Imbalance

I have spent my morning off today doing absolutely bugger all. While I may have watched a biography of Brian Epstein and a documentary on some tunnel in Iceland (I wasn't really paying too much attention to that one) and I have waited for several hundred different websites to load in my browser, I don't really count that as doing anything.

I could have cleaned my living room - which I really should be doing because someone is coming in the morning to install digital cable and I'm sure they'll be very impressed with my hovel-like living conditions. I could have washed my dishes, or put away clothes or cleaned the bathroom. I could have done something constructive like some sewing or wrapped christmas presents or made some more body butters to give for christmas or read something or made an appointment to get my hair cut or a massage or any number of other things that don't involve sitting on my considerably sized arse, wasting time.

I don't know if it's a symptom of a more serious malaise or if i'm just lazy. I do know that I feel like life has been on hold for the last six months or so and i have drifted out of contact with many meaningful things. I have lost touch with friends, both ones that life down the street and ones that life on other continents. I have let things slide in all areas of life. My hair has two inches of roots showing even though I have a box of hair dye in the bathroom and it would take half an hour to cover the ash blonde colour creep. My home is messy, really messy. My cupboards and closets are stuffed full of useless things and my floors and benches are covered with things I do need, all stacked higgledy piggledy around the place. My finances are shambolic - even though I'm earning a nice wage, I don't know where it goes and I'm spending wildly because buying things, any things, makes me happy for a little while.

I'm not unhappy though, just a bit bewildered about what has happened to me. If this is what being a grown up is all about, I don't think I'm handling it very well.