Our Faith is What Helps Us Through Life

Okay, so that is what is says on the front of the pink girlie notebook I found under my bed earlier tonight and started writing in.

Faith.

The first thing I think of is religion and I roll my eyes and/or scoff. Is scoffing and rolling your eyes basically the same thing? I fear I am not smart enough to tell the difference. My brain withers a little more with every passing day. I used to say my brain was atrophying because atrophy is a really smart word and using it makes me sound smart and so people might thing, "she is not so dumb if she knows the word atrophy". But I am so dumb.

But what is faith? Webster's Dictionary defines faith - only kidding! Faith is belief or trust in something, right? What do I believe in that helps me through life? I am not religious or spiritual. I don't know if I believe in anything. Am I a nihilist? Do I even know how to spell nihilist? Am I misconstruing the meaning of nihilism? The answer is yes! Does this whole train of thought make me sound more teen-age pretentious than my real teenage pretentious self? I fear the answer is again, yes!

I was a fucking pretentious 17 year old. I real Sartre's Being and Nothingness. For fun! I majored in Philosophy for my first year of university and then I had to read Being and Nothingness for not-fun and I changed my major to history and I wrote about genocide and cruelty in the Australian outback. Fun!

Some else I know majored in Philosophy. Because of that and the fact we had the same favourite band, we fell in love. Briefly and intensely and to tell you the truth I still love him today. Just a little bit in that place where you still love boys you once loved with every bit of your heart. No matter how misguided you were. Or stupid and hopeless the situation was. Even if years later you let him touch your boobs and you have him head and that story became the story of your weirdest sexual experience of your life.

Yes, it beats the foursome.

He's not the only one I still love. There are two others. One still breaks my heart nearly every day. It's been three years. Or four, I lose track of that but I haven't learnt not to think about him yet. How do you do that? How do you learn to forget about someone? I suppose it doesn't help that there are still reminders of him around the house. Even earlier today I found a love letter (of sorts) from him. As close to a love letter as he would ever send me, anyway. It hurts to see it but I can't throw it away. I think I need to have proof around me that someone once cared about me. And the longer it goes since I got that letter, the more I need that proof. What if no one else ever cares for me? What if I never get another letter to replace that one? What will I have then?

Can you tell I'm kind of depressed at the moment?

I'm not quite sure of the order of things. What I mean is, do I feel depressed because I am ugly and alone and stupid and irresponsible and a failure or do I feel all those negative things because I am depressed?

So what did I start talking about? Faith! And how it helps us through life. I guess I need some faith right now. I need to believe in something. I do believe we're free. And that I'm free to choose. (Hear that Jean-Paul? I paid attention) Choosing something doesn't necessarily make it happen though. Making it happen is the tough part.

So I'll start small. My first choice? Let's start a journal again.